Dreaming with a Broken Heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part"

I've been through the denial that I'm not hurt. That stage hurt me worse than the actuality of it all. Now I'm healing; I'm in repair. Not so much healing from losing what meant so much to me (and so little to somebody else), but healing from the simple breaking of a porcelain heart I always thought I had toughened to the strength of steel. I've never been the one with the broken heart, but I've always been the one breaking others (not that there are a great deal of those either). My heart hasn't been broken before this because I never let anybody in. I never trusted enough. I never loved enough.

But this time I trusted and I loved, and consequently the porcelain shattered.
Surprisingly it glues back together quite nicely. But memories still chip away at it every once in awhile. Like the same words spoken from a different mouth in the same old house it all began, that hurt way more than I ever thought it would.

I once said I wasn't sure if it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I wanted to say it wouldn't be worth it at the time because I didn't want to give anybody the power to break my heart. On the other side of things I do believe its worth it, even if my love was never returned. I was the lucky one because I learned how to let somebody in, I learned how to let my steel barriers down and be open to love. Not everyone is that lucky. Not everyone is that brave.

I've learned a lot. I've gained a lot. Without losing much more than an amazing friend (and maybe I'll find that again one day).

"But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you..."
and learn from our mistakes in the meantime.

Fighting like mad to dance in the rain.

The rain came pouring down today, but metaphorically speaking its been raining cats and dogs and bad days for quite some time now.

I'm not the kind of person that admits that things in my life are hard or to whine about the things that go wrong. I put on a happy face moreso to keep peoples' questions and "need to help" tendencies to rest more than I do it to convince myself that I'm ok.

I want to deal with the rain myself.
And sometimes that is a bad thing.

I'm caught in this downpour.
Some of it still coming from previous storms and then sometimes it lets up a bit.
Every once in awhile it starts to pick up more.
Sometimes because of life altering things and sometimes its just the trivial crap of life.

There is no sense in trying to run away from the rain or really even to put on a happy face.
I need to look up, get splashed straight in the face with cold, fat raindrops.
Let it hurt.
Stop pretending I'm not drenched.
Soak it in.
I need to realize there is a reason for the rain.
And more importantly trust that the sun will eventually come back out.

So if you ask me how I am, I'm not going to put on a happy face.
I'm not going to deny the rainclouds.
I'm stressed, I'm hurting, I'm worried.
Your prayers won't dry up the rain.

But maybe if I let you join me in the midst of my downpour, it might just get easier to dance in the rain.