Exploding cocoa and overcoming fears

As I look back over the past year, words seem to fail me. And I'm not usually the kind of person who is grasping at words to explain the deeper meanings of her life and yearnings of her soul. So the best I can come up with at this moment is exploding cocoa and overcoming fears. I guess they explain my life this past year fairly accurately.

A few friendships have grown over the year, and a few have fallen to the wayside
friendships don't fit well with me, mainly because it takes forever for me to trust
and several I have grown to trust have let me down, but we're all human and I know that
I forgive and I forget, but not without learning from each experience
and all of them have been worthwhile
losing certain friends this past year has been difficult to say the least
but sometimes there are no other options
I just had to walk away for my sanity
and its crazy bittersweet to think that could have been prevented if I hadn't been so eager to fall
and its just sad that all those possible new friends are nothing more than acquaintances because I couldn't find the time

I've realized it is less and less often that I am truly myself around friends, and maybe that's simply because I'm not sure who I want to be anymore

I just feel so drained of who I am because all I've known for the past 10 months is research and thesis and class. Research, thesis, class (repeat until all you want to do is run as far away as possible) It's been a broken record that won't let me play my own song. So I haven't been dancing through life so much. Trudging is more like it.

But its so difficult to be bitter and fed up and sick of all of it, because its really such a blessing. Not for a moment do I forget that it is a blessing. I'm getting an amazing education and will be graduating without a dime of debt. I'm blessed beyond measure. I should simply stop my whining and be grateful.

This past year has been quite a lonely one. Not because of a lack of people in my life, or even lack of quality people in my life. Nope that's not why. I'm pulling away, or pushing away, or both. It's almost time to say goodbye. Goodbye's are my least favorite thing. Seriously, I have to agree with Charlie Brown when he says there are too many goodbyes in his life (or something of that nature).

With the stresses of school and anticipating goodbyes, my life feels like its about to become an exploding cup of cocoa, which is messy and majestically beautiful all at once.

And that overcoming fears part, I no longer run screaming from spiders. Now if I could just move on to overcoming that fear of growing up...

P.S. My life has kinda felt like a generalization of Grey's Anatomy this season...a big awkward mess

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